The path of the spirit is delicate and requires careful conscious movement. This article is about my process to walk this delicate path as I am presented with a conflict between inner peace versus stagnation and entrapment. When fear takes over I cannot follow the process required to experience my connection to my soul, the spirit world and the earth’s invisible world. This process is required so I can express my struggle and what this work means within the context of humanity as a whole.

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As I sat there, my heart raced, I could feel the adrenaline course through my veins, the patterns are there at full force. Everything I do from day to day to maintain control haunts me. The moment is a place without patterns, a place I could potentially go deeper within, but fear holds me back. I was at the Silver Spring Library about to give a talk about the journey that led up to my decision to engage in meditative work with the earth, her soul and invisible layers along with my experiences thereafter. I hoped this talk would inspire others to begin perceiving their connection and to understand the importance of this work in the context of humanity and our future. The totality of what I want to share is what is happening within me right now as I consciously work to center myself, to no longer engage in the things that cause the possibility of my existence to compress inwards. If I keep holding on to my patterns, everything I say will be flat, dry, and one-dimensional and will not touch my audience. The only way I will be able to communicate this is by stepping into my connection, a process that takes courage.

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I can feel the perpetual hum of nervous tension, fear of my future self, of how this will be if I am unable to get out of my own way. I wanted to connect to my soul, a short meditation before everyone arrived. It felt easy at that moment, to let my soul flutter upwards and spread throughout my body. Suddenly fear of loss of control moves into the forefront of my attention. Is my talk in order? I had 13 pages printed to read. On the rational level I knew all the papers were in order, but the need to check was not something rational, it stems from fear of what might happen if I am not in control. I lick my fingers, my hands shake, I grasp the bottom right edge of the paper and look at each page number intently. My eyes are wide open as I had to be 100% sure that the number I read was accurate. Nervous energy shoots up my spine, energy that can probably transform if I just trust the process. As I turn each page I squeeze my fingers together so as to make sure I do not skip any pages. 4…..my body continues to  shake…. 5….6….7….really looking hard so as to be sure…I needed to get to page 13 so I could be at peace.

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My first guest makes their way in the door, I look up, force a smile and at that moment realize I cannot be the person I want to be deep down. I yank my attention from my obsession and make my way over to greet them. “Hey how’s it going? My name is Lief.” They introduce themselves, I can only listen with half of my attention as the dark side of my existence screams out from within. Remember Lief, your talk might be out of order, you don’t want to forget that because if it is, then you could lose control of everything. NO SHUT UP, find your center find your connection. “So, where did you guys come from this evening?” By this point, I had forgotten their names. The conversation was jerky, awkward. They mentioned the traffic and where they live all the while the space of my existence closes inwards.

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I look at what time it is, it was time to begin, but I knew everyone was not there, “Okay, so I think we should wait a few more minutes.” I keep putting it off; I walk over to obsessively check my phone. My phone was another issue of obsession. I was not checking it for a useful purpose, rather I was checking it to make sure the screen displayed in the way I wanted it to. The text bubble icon and phone icon had to be empty. But I could not just casually glance at it; I had to really look until I knew it was okay. What defines okay? I honestly cannot tell you. It’s a subjective feeling, an inner knowing that my phone is the way it is supposed to be so I can carry on with my process. I pull away from my phone, but the tension remains; I did not pull away the right way! I have to go back and look at the icons again. It’s so painful, the whole process, the perpetual subconscious standard I have to keep up with just to center myself. Back and forth I go. I am pretty sure everyone is wondering what am I doing. I can imagine their thoughts. He’s weird, why does he keep staring at his phone? Yea, I know, odd right? How is he going to give a presentation when he can’t stop looking?

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It was time. I needed to start. I painfully dash over to my phone one last time. I try to make it look like it was something important. I should just start my talk with this very issue, explain to the audience that I have these problems and that this right here is a large piece of my presentation, the process, the challenge of stepping into my connection despite the dark shadow of my existence. Only problem is when I am trapped there is no room to breathe let alone describe coherently the essence of what this very pain is right now…so I keep it on silent in my mind. I finally break away and walk over to grab my papers. My heart races as I anxiously shift through each page to make sure they are in order. In desperation, I search the hardened crust of my conditioned existence for the experience of who I truly am.

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During the talk, I oscillate between three states of being; either completely cut off from my connection to the spirit, somewhere in between or fully on the path. It’s a delicate path sensitive to my words and actions. I had everything written out, but it was not fun to just stand there and read, it was far more enjoyable to work with what the moment gave me through my connection. As I work to stay on the path, I can sense the presence of other beings from the spirit world. I feel as if they are engaged in a delicate dance with me, one I have to consciously feel and perceive. The only way to engage is to find that place within where the stars align, where my voice is connected to something deeper that resonates with the universe and earth. I can feel the moment reality swings back to what I know, when the dark hands of obsessive thought sweeps in like a hawk. Back and forth I go as I oscillate between the three states of being.

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This process is challenging in a world that does not recognize our connection to the invisible. That is the world I learned to adapt to, a world that does not feel good. To adapt, I found habits that suck the life out of me like a leech, but I also know the solution is to focus on my connection, a world that completely flips what we are conditioned to do upside down. The experience of your connection to the earth and universe only comes through perceiving and experiencing what is real for you. A process that will bring you face to face with the imprint of how we collectively live within. It’s a delicate dance, one that has ties to who you are deep down as a soul. If more of us participate in discovering who we are as a soul, and work to engage in connection with the spiritual dimensions of the earth and divine source, we can learn how spirit expresses through each of us. We can begin to build a new world, one no longer tied to the patterns we are accustomed to day to day, instead a world based on the organic expression of the spirit through each of us in its unique way.